landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
You Might Also Like
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.