I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.