“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You Might Also Like
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.