There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
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There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
How dude HOW?!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.