born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…