Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”