Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing