Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Twitter remains undefeated
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”