*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes