Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.