I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not