Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times