Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
You have been warned.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.