*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*aggressively waits in line*
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no