[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
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Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?