I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
The news in a nutshell.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
👾👾👾
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying