*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.