I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Every damn time
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
How to wake up a Beagle
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.