My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.