if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
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If I ignore life will it go away?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley