peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
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‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.