Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
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My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Going into Monday like
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.