No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket