I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.