Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I thought this was funny lol
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”