“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Thrilling chase underway
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO