11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.