*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.