My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.