Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Well, my evening plans are ruined
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat