My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
You Might Also Like
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Breaking news:
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing