You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over