Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*