I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
classic mixup
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.