Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Ferrari squats
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me if I was a dog
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal