Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Dance like you’re not the father
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.