Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
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When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”