[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
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Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.