Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
But is it really??
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No