“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Breaking news:
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.