I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.