It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
beware of dog
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…