holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
You Might Also Like
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.