“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
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I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Time for evil
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now