me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
You Might Also Like
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Pandas 🐼🖤
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Straight people are cancelled
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.