Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
We’ve all been there
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Punctuation Matters. Period.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head