Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
You Might Also Like
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
God, I love Scotland
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
These 3D printers are insane!