There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I want what they have
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
why does this building look like a guilty dog
They’re the worst 😩
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.