I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Kentucky names the shit out of places
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.