Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
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[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
LA today:
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.